Today I Am Angry About: Brexit (Again)

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Here is my nuanced and articulate take on the process of Britain leaving the European Union:

It’s a fucking shit idea and we shouldn’t do it because it is blindingly obvious that it is going to ruin our entire country. And now, after one year of laughable ‘negotiations’ consisting entirely of various European politicians telling us repeatedly to fuck off, we are going to get our collective arse handed to us, adorned with fresh pink spank marks. BUT WHAT CAN WE DO?

Don’t worry, I’ve got this. Continue reading

Companions – Short Story

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I did my fly up and rinsed my hands in the sink. My paper hat was skew-whiff in the mirror. I took it off, parted my hair, repositioned it, then for the fifteenth time checked I hadn’t got any sauce on my shirt. I shook my hands dry as I turned, and through my own interminable bad luck I found myself flicking water over James Dean’s groin.

“Shit, sorry man,” I murmured as I bustled past.

“Ah, it’s nothin’,” he shrugged, undoing his belt and slinking past me into a cubicle. Continue reading

On Jeremy Corbyn and Leadership

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This post is not travelling related, but listen: shut up. This post is about politics, it is about ideologies, and it is about bravery.

The UK will have a general election on the 8th of June. Current polls have Labour some 20 points behind the Tories. If nothing changes in the next six weeks, Labour are set to take a pasting, Corbyn will be savaged, and a triumphant Right will cheer the fall of left wing politics across the Western world. Because, you know, the idea of affordable housing and fair pay for nurses is fucking nightmarish. Continue reading

On The Protests in the UK and the Muslim Ban

Yeah, this one’s about politics and the Muslim ban, not travelling. Whatever.

I’ve tried to write a political article about 5 times in the past 48 hours, and every time I’ve given up and scrapped it. My thoughts are too disjointed and frantic and plain fucking furious to put into any comprehensible order. Instead, I’ve decided to simply write a list, wherein I will answer the myriad complaints I have seen about the Muslim ban protests that took place across my homeland yesterday. You might have thought that people could not find much fault with peaceful protests for the sake of the rights of fellow human beings, protests designed to show support and camaraderie with a people that is being increasingly maligned. However, you would be wrong, for this is 2017. The Second World War is slowly passing out of living memory, and humanity, with eye-rolling predictability, seems to be toying with the idea of destroying each other once again. So let’s get into it. Continue reading

O, Sheffield is Wonderful

You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Isn’t that just the truest and saddest thing you ever heard?

I’m in Berlin, and it’s so wonderful. But I miss Sheffield. I always took it for granted, just like everyone always takes everything for granted because that’s what humans do. Looking back on the 14 months I spent there now, I’m feel privileged and proud to have lived there. It’s such a special place. Continue reading

UK Slang Lessons

If you’ve read any of my posts, you’ll probably have realised I’m from England. I know we have some odd phrases here in Blighty, so I’m going to try and explain some of the phrases I have previously peppered my writing with. Right, let’s get on with. In at the deep end…

Bugger: to bugger someone would mean sodomy… although bizarrely this is used by Brits all the time, even by little old ladies sipping cups of tea.

Bum: to bugger

Chin: to punch

Knob: a penis

Knob head: an insult used to insinuate that the person to which you a referring does in fact have a penis upon their forehead. Can be used equally in the middle of a furious argument, or as a greeting between friends

Chav: these enterprising young raconteurs:

Charver: a chav

Scally: a charver

Bloody: used in situations when it’s not quite cricket to say ‘fucking’

Not quite cricket: not okay

Getting on my wick: pissing me off

Fit: attractive. Kind of implies sexual desire. Don’t tell tell your parents/boss/the Queen that they look fit.

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Just an excuse to have a photo of Emilia Clarke here. Sigh.

Lush: very attractive

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A view can be lush. So can a person. A view can’t be fit, though. That’d be weird.

 

Bollocks: testes

Pissed off: angry

Pissed: drunk

Twatted: drunk

Arseholed: …drunk

Wank: to masturbate, or can be used as an adjective to mean something is crap, or naff.

Naff: crap, almost embarassingly crap. Especially used when something is very uncool. The Eurovision song contest is naff, for example. Donald Trump’s hair is naff also.

Wankered: not to be confused with wank, to be wankered means, surprise surprise, to be drunk.

I’m (they are) off my (their) tits: I’m drunk (or on drugs)

Fuming: furious

Chum: pal

Nowt (North England only): pronounced to rhyme with ‘about’, it means ‘nothing’. Used only in spoken conversation. Example:

“What are you doing later?”

“Nowt, shall we do something?”

Owt (North England only): anything – the opposite of nowt.

Div: idiot

That concludes today’s lesson, you pack of divs. Now I’m proper bored of spending all day doing nowt and it’s doing my head in, so I’m off to get off my tits. Ta ta, now!