“Hey you wanna see my party trick boys?”
“Mate, no, I’ve seen your party trick a hundred times-”
“Noooo wait, this is different, watch.”
“… Please take those off your head and get down from there.”
Continue readingbristol
On Tour with AK: Part 6
“GOOD MORNING BRISTOOOOOL!”
“Whoa whoa whoa. Less of that.”
“What? This city loves me.”
“This is England! You can’t do that here. There are rules, you Yankee Doodle dickhead.”
“Did you… did you just call me a Yankee Doodle dickhead?”
“…yes.”
“Oh my god dude, I love that.”
Continue readingOn Tour with AK: Part 5
“How much longer?”
“Not much further now. Hang in there.”
“Mate, I don’t think I can.”
“Come on boys, it’s just up ahead.”
“But we’re not getting any closer. We’ve been walking for hours and it’s not getting any nearer. I can’t help but wonder: could we have died? Maybe on the train yesterday? What if it crashed, and this is purgatory – just us here, with Budgens on the horizon, forever and ever and ever.”
“No dingus, we haven’t died.”
“But it’s getting further away with each step we take. I’m freaking out. I’m freaking out.”
“Look, it’s fine, we’ll be there in about ten sec-”
“HHHHAAAAAAUUUUUAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH!”
Continue readingOn Tour with AK: Part 4
“Okay, look at me? Let me see your face.”
“Dude, you don’t know my face by now?”
“Not off by heart, no. Let me see your side profile. I want to get the proportions of your nose right.”
“You know my nose. You called it a Disney nose.”
“Yeah but I need to be certain of whether it tips up at the end or levels out.”
“Tips up? Like a snout? Are you kidding?”
“More like a ski jump. In a nice way. I have a ski jump nose too. They’re the gold standard for noses.”
Continue readingLockdown Diary: Fully Booked
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking ‘Eh? Eh!? Dan only writes once a month these days, and even then it’s usually half-arsed’. Yes, friend, you are right. But I feel a smidgeon bit inspired today, and lo: words. Continue reading
Lockdown Diary: Electric Worlds
Firing up an old video game is like opening a time capsule. Continue reading
Lockdown Diary: A Germaphobic Jaunt
Yesterday Jeanne and I took our daily lockdown walk, and we went a little further than usual. It was March the last time I walked further than the Arches down Gloucester Road. Since then, all our late afternoon strolls have seen us weaving through suburbs, exploring sleepy avenues and cul-de-sacs. On a whim, however, last night we decided to continue on, right the way down to the harbourside we’ve not seen in so very long. What a bleeding mistake that was. Continue reading
Lockdown Diary: God Help Me, I’ve Started Appreciating People’s Lawns
Today is my 34th day indoors. Well… ish. Continue reading
Lockdown Diary: Bald and Unproductive
Well, I burst at the first hurdle, didn’t I? After ending my last diary entry with the optimistic ‘I think I’ll write again tomorrow ?’, I did not write a word for a full week.
I did not do it because I did not feel like doing it, and instead of being productive I got drunk for three days in a row. It was a choice that made sense at the time. Continue reading
Lockdown Diary: Yeah It’s Happening
My mum recommended I write while we’re all in lockdown. So here we find ourselves! Continue reading