How Many Resolutions Did Dan Fail in 2017?


A year ago I wrote an article titled ‘A List of Shit I’m Going to Do This Year Unless the World Ends, Which It Probably Will, Because Donald Trump is a Moron’. If you would care to join me now, I am rather curious to revisit this list and assess how well I performed over the past 12 months. Of course, there’s every chance you couldn’t physically care less about my personal goals and ambitions, and that is fine. Good day to you. To anybody still reading, let’s creep our peepers over the bafflingly long and wildly optimistic list I made, one year ago today…


  • Join a gym, get fit again

Did I do it? I bought a kettle bell instead, and though I may never have abs in Berlin, it at least keeps me Not Fat.

  • Join boxing classes

Did I do it? Yes, for three months until I knackered my legs and had to stop.

  • Buy a moped

Did I do it? Lol no.

  • Visit 10 new countries, specifically including Morocco

Did I do it? Nope. BUT I visited Poland, the Netherlands, Italy, France, Spain, Latvia, Czech Republic and I live in Berlin and I’m moving to India in two months so, like, cut me some slack.

  • Visit every club in Berlin

Did I do it? Well, I’ve partied in Sisyphos, Berghain, Monarch, Chalet, Kater Blau, Renate, Watergate, Club der Visionäre, Prince Charles, Bohnengold, Ohm, Suicide Circus, Gretchen, Griessmühle, IPSE, Hoppetosse, Alte Münze, Loftus Hall, and, of course, Heideglühen. And I’ve barely scratched the bloody surface.

  • Sort out the hole in my tooth that has been on/off hurting for about a year.

Did I do it? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

  • Convince my dad that Jeremy Corbyn isn’t the bastard he thinks he is

Did I do it? At one point in the past year, my dad, The Corbyn Hater incarnate, uttered the phrase “I must admit, I do sympathise with what he’s saying.” I don’t care which way he voted in the end, I’m calling that a win.

  • Stay angry, stay passionate, hold onto my ideals.

Did I do it? Duh.

  • Keep listening to the Clash.

Did I do it? Duh.

  • Make a shitload of weird new friends.

Did I do it? Yes. Dear god, yes.

  • Try my hand at graffiti.

Did I do it? Yep, a bunch of times. I’m awful at it.

  • Try out a new haircut.

Did I do it? As if.

  • Read a ridiculous amount of books.

Did I do it? I mean, I read around 16 books in 2017, which isn’t a lot but it’s not bad either. A middling amount of books to read. But, seeing as though I chose to word this goal as ‘a ridiculous amount of books’, I must say that I failed.

  • Either buy a guitar or fly my own over.

Did I do it? Nah. #wasteman

  • Get more articles published

Did I do it? Alas, no, but not for lack of trying. Okay, maybe it was a bit for lack of trying. I sent out maybe 4 pitches over the year and received no response. Must try harder.

  • Help refugees, help the homeless, volunteer and try to make things generally better.

Did I do it? Yeah man. Volunteered at a soup kitchen and taught basic maths to refugees in organised classes over the summer. Also encouraged friends to do the same.

  • Get involved in more political activity.

Did I do it? Wrote and shared several political articles, attended a few marches and demonstrations, emailed a couple of political organisations offering to write for them, attended two seminars on racial issues – not terrible, but far from great.

  • Never pay that stupid rail fine.


  • Be a successful vegetarian.

Did I do it? Suffered stomach cramps, acid reflux and raging bowels for several weeks while my body adjusted to no meat. Made it to March, then fucked up and had a drunken kebab. Then continued to do so. Still don’t buy meat to cook at home, though. Only eat meat when I’m wasted/being cooked for.

  • Pay off my overdraft

Did I do it? Absolutely not.

  • Become more attractive

Did I do it? Well my beard is a bit thicker now, so maybe that helps? A bit? Maybe?

  • Have sex in a Berlin club

Did I do it? I saw plenty of other people do it, but no. At least, not yet.

TOTAL SCORE: 10(ish) out of 23


That’s… actually not… that… bad. To be honest, I’ve achieved pretty much everything I wanted to in 2017, albeit occasionally not at the scale I originally imagined. Blame it on youthful optimism and a tendency for exaggeration, seasoned with a light dusting of hubris.

In addition to all of the above and working full time, I also wrote 150 pages of my book and published 82 articles on this site. Perhaps more than anything in the last year, I’m proud that I’ve stuck at this shit. I’m going to keep writing, keep working and dreaming, and hopefully the next year will be just as fruitful. I hope yours is too. x

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