After fleeing the nutter, I explored an area I’d heard was cool – Plaka. It may well have been cool in parts, but the bit I saw of it looked a bit touristy – lots of shops selling little statues of Athena and blue ‘evil eye’ talismans. Plenty of cocks too, for some reason – wooden bottle openers shaped like dicks – and T-shirts with Socrates wearing sunglasses.
Continue readingAthens | A Quasi-Religious Experience And A Local Nutter

I woke up in the morning with a gentle hangover, and found Estelle in the midst of checking out: she’d gone through all her possessions to find she’d lost her passport. I helped her look, sleepily and to no avail. She had an onward flight to Vienna that afternoon, she told me, which would be fine because internal Schengen flights only require a drivers license for EU residents – but still. We searched everywhere, then gave up and went for breakfast downstairs. She was far more relaxed than I would have been.
Continue readingAthens | Back At It
I booked Athens a few weeks ago. It was a long winter, and at the back end of it I found myself feeling inarticulably diminished. I dunno, just – lesser, somehow. I found myself looking in the mirror increasingly often and shaking my head, lamenting my hair and the shape of my body and my crooked teeth and the pores of my nose and the bags under my eyes. Standing on train platforms in the morning, thick grey clouds hanging low as mist, rain pattering my hair and face – by the end of winter each year, I’ve long since forgotten what the point of any of this is. Joy feels thin on the ground.
So I booked Athens to give myself something to look forward to. I heard it was an artsy city and a free-spirited place, and since I was a kid I’ve always had a strong aesthetic fascination with Ancient Greece. It’s the hoplites, mostly. I was fixated as a child on the helmets in particular – the ones with the bright mohawk plumage. I remember watching a film called The 300 Spartans at my gran’s house when I must have been around 8 years old. Not the oily-abdomined Zack Snyder one, but the 1962 version, brimming with the era’s typical gravel and dust – a soundtrack not of guitar solos but instead the empty clack of rocks and horsehooves, the creak of leather against the breeze. I remember sitting in quiet awe at the end of the film, watching uncomprehendingly as this small group of soldiers stood, shields aloft, and waited calmly as ten thousand arrows crashed down upon them. This might be a mis-memory, but as I recall it, this portion of the film is in near total silence. The Spartans in that retelling didn’t roar in defiance, hurl spears, laugh at their doom like Gerard Butler and company – they simply stood and braced and died, one by one, until there were none left. Bodies in red cloaks lying in a quiet heap, wind moving the branches of olive trees. Roll credits. It left an incredible impression on young Dan. I’d never seen a film where the goodies didn’t win.
Continue readingKing Athelstan and the Impending Orgy: A Short Story

“What do you mean we’ve no more massage oil?” I cried, thumping my fist on the breakfast table. “The orgy is tonight!”
“I’m sorry Sire,” said Sir Sleeves, his head hung low in shame. “The chef thought it was cooking oil. It’s all been used up.”
I blinked at this, my eyes swivelling slowly to the fork of roast chicken halfway to my mouth. Then I gave a shrug and ate it: plenty of it would have gotten into my body either way, I supposed.
Continue readingLondon | The Dictionary of Dan

Well, I said the next time I wrote it would be post-holiday, but whatever. I’m not going to Athens until March, which is ages away, and I want to write something.
Alright!
Continue readingThe Purloined Princess: Chapter Twenty Three (The Last One)
In Which I Have Friends

The morning after our starlit exchange, Glob was back to normal, gruff and crude. But I saw something else in her now, behind the muck and the pong and all the eye rolling. There was something in her eyes that wasn’t there before. Or perhaps it was always there, and I simply hadn’t looked long enough. Don’t get me wrong, she still spat and belched and smelled like the inside of a horse, but after that night, she always looked a little different in a way I could never quite explain to anybody else.
The rest of the ride home was largely uneventful, save for a broken spur on the cabbage, a distressing shortage of cheddar, a run-in with the roving sentient hailstorm known as ‘Khrark’ that absolutely clobbered us and gave everyone two black eyes, as well as a brief but intense skirmish with the notorious outlaw Thunderlung and her marauding band of electric skeletons. Overall though, it was smooth sailing, as far as the Great Valley Road is concerned.
Continue readingLondon | Infernal City
Not written in ages but also can’t be bothered to rehash several quite major changes and would prefer to move onto smaller yet more interesting things so here we go, a quick update / recap / whatever:
Continue readingThe Purloined Princess: Chapter Twenty Two
In Which I Am Comforted By A Pungent Friend

I spent the rest of the afternoon in a fog of grief-induced mania, periodically attempting to leap out of the moving cabbage in a bid to abandon society and ‘live with the animals’. I don’t remember saying this, but Selladore assures me I was gibbering for hours about my longing to integrate myself with the wolves that roam the forests of the Valley Road. In the end my companions grew weary of my escape attempts and strapped me to the roof of the carriage. I don’t know why they had to shackle me spread eagled across the rounded top of the cabbage instead of just tying me to the seat inside, but whatever.
Continue readingThe Purloined Princess: Chapter Twenty One
In Which I Am Tormented By A Glistening Spirit

I awoke to yowling sunbeams and an absolute shag of a headache the next morning. I’d taken myself away for an early night after the brawl, but my companions had remained downstairs for some hours after, and as I lay awake on my straw mattress, held back from slumber by the lurching beat of heart, I listened to the laughter and songs and vague crashing sounds that drifted up from downstairs.
Continue readingThe Purloined Princess: Chapter Twenty
In Which I Beat Up My Friend And Get Turned Into A Frog

The next few days were a drunken blur. I vaguely recall being abducted by a gang of squat-legged woodland orcs and roasted on a spit for a while, and I obviously escaped with my life intact and my skin unroasted but I’ve no idea how. It seems I was also hexed by a warlock at some point, because although I have no memory of meeting and/or being cursed by such a character, for a whole 24 hours I couldn’t speak. Instead, every time I opened my mouth there came a series of shrieks like the bewildered mooing of a cow.
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