Day three started with a mean hangover – nausea and general slug-brained pungence, obviously, but twentyfold worse was the beer-fear. I never got post-alcohol anxiety when I was younger, at all. I could take my top off and whirl it above my head, stun everyone around me with a loud and crass story about my own ass, twirl around a stripper pole and wake up in a hedge, and at 9am I’d open my eyes, dust myself down and go about my day. With each creeping year, however, my ability to shrug away such buffoonery diminishes. These days I’m riddled with guilt if I forget what someone’s job is.
Continue readingNew York Pt 2 | NYPD
Annie wakes up late – always has. Due to the jet lag I was up at the crack of dawn, and lay on my sofa bed looking at my phone for, oh, a good two hours before I heard the usual high-pitched stretching yawn-screech that signifies Annie is awake. She stumbled through to the living room in a baggy black tee and tartan boxer shorts, her platinum hair mashed into a high David Lynch wave by her pillow.
Continue readingNew York Pt 1 | The Counter-Surprise
It was to be a surprise visit. On the seven-hour flight over, that’s all I thought about, even as I sipped free red wine in plastic cups and watched a succession of films on the back of a headrest – the surprise. I imagined it any of fifty different ways, planning my entrance, my opening line. I’d thought briefly about opening with “Miss Kissiah, I presume,” but when I workshopped it with friends the week before flying out, nobody got the reference so I dropped it.
Continue readingAthens | The Seven Thrones
T’was the morning after. The previous night out had been aggressively mediocre; a dozen of us went out for dinner, but the bill splitting was chaos and in the end I ate nothing and shared a bottle of wine with Tom, to make things simpler. I know that doesn’t really make any sense, but it seemed a practical idea at the time.
Continue readingAthens | Museum Ad Nauseam
I woke up in the morning and went down to breakfast; Alan joined me soon after, looking pale.
“Dude, I shouldn’t have had the whiskey last night. I threw up last night,” he said. “On the floor in my dorm.”
Continue readingAthens | A Secret Cave
After fleeing the nutter, I explored an area I’d heard was cool – Plaka. It may well have been cool in parts, but the bit I saw of it looked a bit touristy – lots of shops selling little statues of Athena and blue ‘evil eye’ talismans. Plenty of cocks too, for some reason – wooden bottle openers shaped like dicks – and T-shirts with Socrates wearing sunglasses.
Continue readingAthens | A Quasi-Religious Experience And A Local Nutter
I woke up in the morning with a gentle hangover, and found Estelle in the midst of checking out: she’d gone through all her possessions to find she’d lost her passport. I helped her look, sleepily and to no avail. She had an onward flight to Vienna that afternoon, she told me, which would be fine because internal Schengen flights only require a drivers license for EU residents – but still. We searched everywhere, then gave up and went for breakfast downstairs. She was far more relaxed than I would have been.
Continue readingAthens | Back At It
I booked Athens a few weeks ago. It was a long winter, and at the back end of it I found myself feeling inarticulably diminished. I dunno, just – lesser, somehow. I found myself looking in the mirror increasingly often and shaking my head, lamenting my hair and the shape of my body and my crooked teeth and the pores of my nose and the bags under my eyes. Standing on train platforms in the morning, thick grey clouds hanging low as mist, rain pattering my hair and face – by the end of winter each year, I’ve long since forgotten what the point of any of this is. Joy feels thin on the ground.
So I booked Athens to give myself something to look forward to. I heard it was an artsy city and a free-spirited place, and since I was a kid I’ve always had a strong aesthetic fascination with Ancient Greece. It’s the hoplites, mostly. I was fixated as a child on the helmets in particular – the ones with the bright mohawk plumage. I remember watching a film called The 300 Spartans at my gran’s house when I must have been around 8 years old. Not the oily-abdomined Zack Snyder one, but the 1962 version, brimming with the era’s typical gravel and dust – a soundtrack not of guitar solos but instead the empty clack of rocks and horsehooves, the creak of leather against the breeze. I remember sitting in quiet awe at the end of the film, watching uncomprehendingly as this small group of soldiers stood, shields aloft, and waited calmly as ten thousand arrows crashed down upon them. This might be a mis-memory, but as I recall it, this portion of the film is in near total silence. The Spartans in that retelling didn’t roar in defiance, hurl spears, laugh at their doom like Gerard Butler and company – they simply stood and braced and died, one by one, until there were none left. Bodies in red cloaks lying in a quiet heap, wind moving the branches of olive trees. Roll credits. It left an incredible impression on young Dan. I’d never seen a film where the goodies didn’t win.
Continue readingKing Athelstan and the Impending Orgy: A Short Story
“What do you mean we’ve no more massage oil?” I cried, thumping my fist on the breakfast table. “The orgy is tonight!”
“I’m sorry Sire,” said Sir Sleeves, his head hung low in shame. “The chef thought it was cooking oil. It’s all been used up.”
I blinked at this, my eyes swivelling slowly to the fork of roast chicken halfway to my mouth. Then I gave a shrug and ate it: plenty of it would have gotten into my body either way, I supposed.
Continue readingLondon | The Dictionary of Dan
Well, I said the next time I wrote it would be post-holiday, but whatever. I’m not going to Athens until March, which is ages away, and I want to write something.
Alright!
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