The Purloined Princess: Chapter Sixteen

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In Which I Throw Somebody Out Of A Window And Then Get Beaten Up

Impetuous, I leapt from Alfonso’s back and began to sprint to the city gates. I heard Selladore call out for me, somewhere far behind, as though in another world. All that mattered now was Astra.

With the grace of a sunbeam I raced betwixt the baffled guards, who could only turn and call out to me in vain. I lighted over the city streets, unable to think of anything but my beautiful wife. The city was but a blur. I shouldered my way through the throng of peasants and followed signs for the cathedral, readying myself for the fight of my life. I could hear the church bells!

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The Purloined Princess: Chapter Fourteen

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In Which I Get Lured Away By A Nice Aroma And Meet A Witch

A NOTE ON THE DESTRUCTION OF GALANTHUS:

Actually, it turns out it’s a jolly good thing that fair Galanthus sank into the sea. Much later on, I read up on the town – slightly out of guilt from being a possible instigator of its implosion – and it turns out that Galanthus was home to the highest number of racists per square metre on the entire continent. The town had also held the title of ‘Scam Capital of the Six Kingdoms’ since 1243, and three separate hate groups called Galanthus their home, these being: The Anti-Troll League, The Elf Punchers, and the rather ambiguous General Loathing Society. All in all, they were a rotten bunch and you shouldn’t feel too sorry for them.

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The Purloined Princess: Chapter Thirteen

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In Which I Sort Of Destroy A Town But Not Really

“I told you!” cried Selladore as we stood watching my beloved pig sinking into the watery abyss.

We’d made it several miles, winding through the ranks of gnarled frozen fingers, when Margaret had misplaced her trotter and plunged through the ice. The hole around her grew, and within seconds she was in the middle of a large watery ring. She didn’t do a very good job of treading water. Through the ice, we watched the vague pink shape of my steed sink away from us.

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The Purloined Princess: Chapter Twelve

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In Which I Tell A Lovely Story About My Gorgeous Wife

The next morning we waved goodbye to the shrinking earthworms below us as we ascended up and out of the Mines of Mupplecock. Glob and Selladore were operating a large hand crank on a rickety old elevator made of frayed rope and gnarled wooden planks. The worms in the meadow had no use for it, obviously; worms don’t have hands. I was clinging on for dear life as we rose, as each turn of the giant cog sent a threatening shudder through the knackered machine. It didn’t help that we had the fat useless lump that was worm Edgar dangling below, suspended from a bundle of rope because he couldn’t fit aboard the platform.

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The Purloined Princess: Chapter Eleven

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In Which Edgar Has An Incident

I had not made it two feet when a brilliant white light seared into my retinas, rendering my eyes useless. I staggered forward, flailing wildly, stupid and helpless.

“Selladore! Glob! Ugh – Edgar! Thy king is blinded, help!” I called out.

They must have run in and suffered the same fate; I heard the chorus of their shrieks. We four blinded fools clattered into one another as we raced around whatever chamber we were in. The roars of the unseen creatures were deafening, coming from every side. I tripped over something soft and furry, sailed arse-over-bosom through the air, and landed in a clanking heap on the floor. My sword fell from my grip, leaving me defenceless. I felt hot, stinky breath in my ear, and span around to punch with all my might whatever beast was coming for me. My armoured fist connected with the monster’s fleshy hide, and I heard a squeal. The monster backed away as I rubbed my eyes hastily, urging them to adjust to the light.

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The Purloined Princess: Chapter Ten

/ Dan Hackett / Leave a comment

In Which I Break My Nose On A Stalactite

We rode (and jogged) for two days through the cherry blossom forest, and the journey was largely uneventful except for one point where Edgar got dragged away in the night by a swarm of goblins and we had to go and get him before they could dissolve him in their subterranean gunge tanks. Aside from that the forest was lovely, and I wrote down in my diary that I simply must take Astra this way on the route home.

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