Twenty twenty six! My resolution this year is ‘Have More Fun’. I don’t really know what I mean by that; I left it ambiguous and open-ended on purpose. Maybe a resolution more closely fitted to my current state of mind would be ‘Be Less Serious’, but I suppose it’s better (and more enjoyable) to encourage healthy behaviours rather than discourage bad ones.
Continue readingThe Purloined Princess: Chapter Fourteen
In Which I Get Lured Away By A Nice Aroma And Meet A Witch
A NOTE ON THE DESTRUCTION OF GALANTHUS:
Actually, it turns out it’s a jolly good thing that fair Galanthus sank into the sea. Much later on, I read up on the town – slightly out of guilt from being a possible instigator of its implosion – and it turns out that Galanthus was home to the highest number of racists per square metre on the entire continent. The town had also held the title of ‘Scam Capital of the Six Kingdoms’ since 1243, and three separate hate groups called Galanthus their home, these being: The Anti-Troll League, The Elf Punchers, and the rather ambiguous General Loathing Society. All in all, they were a rotten bunch and you shouldn’t feel too sorry for them.
Continue readingThe Purloined Princess: Chapter Thirteen
In Which I Sort Of Destroy A Town But Not Really
“I told you!” cried Selladore as we stood watching my beloved pig sinking into the watery abyss.
We’d made it several miles, winding through the ranks of gnarled frozen fingers, when Margaret had misplaced her trotter and plunged through the ice. The hole around her grew, and within seconds she was in the middle of a large watery ring. She didn’t do a very good job of treading water. Through the ice, we watched the vague pink shape of my steed sink away from us.
Continue readingThe Purloined Princess: Chapter Twelve
In Which I Tell A Lovely Story About My Gorgeous Wife
The next morning we waved goodbye to the shrinking earthworms below us as we ascended up and out of the Mines of Mupplecock. Glob and Selladore were operating a large hand crank on a rickety old elevator made of frayed rope and gnarled wooden planks. The worms in the meadow had no use for it, obviously; worms don’t have hands. I was clinging on for dear life as we rose, as each turn of the giant cog sent a threatening shudder through the knackered machine. It didn’t help that we had the fat useless lump that was worm Edgar dangling below, suspended from a bundle of rope because he couldn’t fit aboard the platform.
Continue readingThe Purloined Princess: Chapter Eleven
In Which Edgar Has An Incident
I had not made it two feet when a brilliant white light seared into my retinas, rendering my eyes useless. I staggered forward, flailing wildly, stupid and helpless.
“Selladore! Glob! Ugh – Edgar! Thy king is blinded, help!” I called out.
They must have run in and suffered the same fate; I heard the chorus of their shrieks. We four blinded fools clattered into one another as we raced around whatever chamber we were in. The roars of the unseen creatures were deafening, coming from every side. I tripped over something soft and furry, sailed arse-over-bosom through the air, and landed in a clanking heap on the floor. My sword fell from my grip, leaving me defenceless. I felt hot, stinky breath in my ear, and span around to punch with all my might whatever beast was coming for me. My armoured fist connected with the monster’s fleshy hide, and I heard a squeal. The monster backed away as I rubbed my eyes hastily, urging them to adjust to the light.
Continue readingThe Purloined Princess: Chapter Ten
In Which I Break My Nose On A Stalactite
We rode (and jogged) for two days through the cherry blossom forest, and the journey was largely uneventful except for one point where Edgar got dragged away in the night by a swarm of goblins and we had to go and get him before they could dissolve him in their subterranean gunge tanks. Aside from that the forest was lovely, and I wrote down in my diary that I simply must take Astra this way on the route home.
Continue readingLondon | Meditating
It’s funny publishing The Purloined Princess. I have to shut off entire wings of my brain to find the courage to do it. So many doubts. I wrote it eight years ago, and I feel very differently at 32 than I did at 24. I read my old writing and I think – good lord I had a lot of zeal. The confidence! The hubris!
Continue readingThe Purloined Princess: Chapter Nine
In Which I Regain My Composure
When I awoke it was mid-afternoon and my skin was hot and my mouth was dry. With a groan I tried to move, but something held me in place. I glanced down at my body and found myself quite naked, roped to the mast.
“Ugh.”
Continue readingThe Purloined Princess: Chapter Eight
In Which Battle Breaks Out And I Get Ever So Slightly Carried Away
The cannonball burst through the ship’s hull sending splinters the size of bananas stinging through the air, pinged neatly through a bewildered crewmember’s torso, and came to rest in a collection of grain sacks. The newly disembowelled pirate glanced down at the gaping hole in his stomach, murmured something inconsequential, and collapsed backwards into a collection of pots and pans.
Continue readingThe Purloined Princess: Chapter Seven
In Which I Meet My First Ever Pirates And Get Made To Walk The Plank Six Times In A Row
The jangly woman wasn’t joking when she said we wouldn’t last an hour.
Barely twenty minutes into our flight, a bellowing horn blast rattled our ribcages and sent Margaret into a panicked bucking frenzy. Given that I’d only been mutilated half an hour earlier and hadn’t quite mastered the art of riding one handed, I was immediately slung from my sow and treated to a mouthful of hot sand.
Continue reading