Day three started with a mean hangover – nausea and general slug-brained pungence, obviously, but twentyfold worse was the beer-fear. I never got post-alcohol anxiety when I was younger, at all. I could take my top off and whirl it above my head, stun everyone around me with a loud and crass story about my own ass, twirl around a stripper pole and wake up in a hedge, and at 9am I’d open my eyes, dust myself down and go about my day. With each creeping year, however, my ability to shrug away such buffoonery diminishes. These days I’m riddled with guilt if I forget what someone’s job is.
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New York Pt 2 | NYPD
Annie wakes up late – always has. Due to the jet lag I was up at the crack of dawn, and lay on my sofa bed looking at my phone for, oh, a good two hours before I heard the usual high-pitched stretching yawn-screech that signifies Annie is awake. She stumbled through to the living room in a baggy black tee and tartan boxer shorts, her platinum hair mashed into a high David Lynch wave by her pillow.
Continue readingNew York Pt 1 | The Counter-Surprise

It was to be a surprise visit. On the seven-hour flight over, that’s all I thought about, even as I sipped free red wine in plastic cups and watched a succession of films on the back of a headrest – the surprise. I imagined it any of fifty different ways, planning my entrance, my opening line. I’d thought briefly about opening with “Miss Kissiah, I presume,” but when I workshopped it with friends the week before flying out, nobody got the reference so I dropped it.
Continue readingAthens | The Seven Thrones
T’was the morning after. The previous night out had been aggressively mediocre; a dozen of us went out for dinner, but the bill splitting was chaos and in the end I ate nothing and shared a bottle of wine with Tom, to make things simpler. I know that doesn’t really make any sense, but it seemed a practical idea at the time.
Continue readingAthens | Museum Ad Nauseam
I woke up in the morning and went down to breakfast; Alan joined me soon after, looking pale.
“Dude, I shouldn’t have had the whiskey last night. I threw up last night,” he said. “On the floor in my dorm.”
Continue readingAthens | A Secret Cave
After fleeing the nutter, I explored an area I’d heard was cool – Plaka. It may well have been cool in parts, but the bit I saw of it looked a bit touristy – lots of shops selling little statues of Athena and blue ‘evil eye’ talismans. Plenty of cocks too, for some reason – wooden bottle openers shaped like dicks – and T-shirts with Socrates wearing sunglasses.
Continue readingAthens | Back At It
I booked Athens a few weeks ago. It was a long winter, and at the back end of it I found myself feeling inarticulably diminished. I dunno, just – lesser, somehow. I found myself looking in the mirror increasingly often and shaking my head, lamenting my hair and the shape of my body and my crooked teeth and the pores of my nose and the bags under my eyes. Standing on train platforms in the morning, thick grey clouds hanging low as mist, rain pattering my hair and face – by the end of winter each year, I’ve long since forgotten what the point of any of this is. Joy feels thin on the ground.
So I booked Athens to give myself something to look forward to. I heard it was an artsy city and a free-spirited place, and since I was a kid I’ve always had a strong aesthetic fascination with Ancient Greece. It’s the hoplites, mostly. I was fixated as a child on the helmets in particular – the ones with the bright mohawk plumage. I remember watching a film called The 300 Spartans at my gran’s house when I must have been around 8 years old. Not the oily-abdomined Zack Snyder one, but the 1962 version, brimming with the era’s typical gravel and dust – a soundtrack not of guitar solos but instead the empty clack of rocks and horsehooves, the creak of leather against the breeze. I remember sitting in quiet awe at the end of the film, watching uncomprehendingly as this small group of soldiers stood, shields aloft, and waited calmly as ten thousand arrows crashed down upon them. This might be a mis-memory, but as I recall it, this portion of the film is in near total silence. The Spartans in that retelling didn’t roar in defiance, hurl spears, laugh at their doom like Gerard Butler and company – they simply stood and braced and died, one by one, until there were none left. Bodies in red cloaks lying in a quiet heap, wind moving the branches of olive trees. Roll credits. It left an incredible impression on young Dan. I’d never seen a film where the goodies didn’t win.
Continue readingPoland | Krakow
I didn’t go to Krakow to see Ralfi – not specifically – but I was glad to meet him outside the airport, glad I’d booked an extra day at the beginning of my trip to spend time with the Polish engineer, the friend I’d been tutoring in English for almost two years. A tall, handsome family-man in his 40s, Ralfi is the kind of man I’ve always enjoyed: someone with energy a little beyond himself, a streak of naughtiness and a heap of curiosity. His capacity for wonder in our lessons has always made me smile. Some students, you teach them a grammar rule and they nod and say ‘okay’. Others, they open their eyes and mouths wide and say ‘wow’. Moments like that are the reason I do what I do.
Continue readingFrance | Bad Times (You Know I’ve Had My Share) Pt 2
“Oh man, I feel really… whoa… okay. Not good.”
The walk back to the car was fifty metres and felt like a mile: time slowing, peripherals blurring, temperature rising. I got back wobbly and collapsed into a deck chair.
Continue readingBerlin | Back in Town Pt 4
On our final full day in Berlin (Vic leaving that night, me early next morning), Vic and I met Bruna for brunch at a funky upbeat restaurant somewhere in Friedrichshain. I had a bacon sandwich and we talked about sex clubs in the city and how we’d all be far too prudish to join an orgy. I never knew I had a ‘line’ until I lived in Berlin. The city tests your limits – you can always go deeper, and nobody ever recommends you don’t. Sooner or later there comes a time when you’re faced with a situation you’ve never seen before, far beyond what you considered possible in the ‘real world’ beyond, and for the first time your mental green light switches to yellow then red – and you pause. And that’s it: you either turn back forever, or plunge in. Some people go to Kitkat and get their thighs spanked with a riding crop for the first time and think ‘Ow, get off’. And others – their irises turn to love hearts.
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