You’ve got to keep your wits about you when travelling. Especially when you visit a poorer country, as a tourist you are a walking wallet. When the average local earns roughly a hundredth of your wage, you can’t really blame them for occasionally trying to relieve you of a few coins. I’ve thrown together a few of the various backpacker scams I’ve come across on my travels. I’d love to say I was too witty and wily and outfoxed the devious local populace but… come on. It’s me. I’m a half wit.
humour
UK Slang Lessons
If you’ve read any of my posts, you’ll probably have realised I’m from England. I know we have some odd phrases here in Blighty, so I’m going to try and explain some of the phrases I have previously peppered my writing with. Right, let’s get on with. In at the deep end…
Bugger: to bugger someone would mean sodomy… although bizarrely this is used by Brits all the time, even by little old ladies sipping cups of tea.
Bum: to bugger
Chin: to punch
Knob: a penis
Knob head: an insult used to insinuate that the person to which you are referring does in fact have a penis upon their forehead. Can be used equally in the middle of a furious argument, or as a greeting between friends
Chav: these enterprising young raconteurs:
Charver: a chav
Scally: a charver
Bloody: used in situations when it’s not quite cricket to say ‘fucking’
Not quite cricket: not okay
Getting on my wick: pissing me off
Fit: attractive. Kind of implies sexual desire. Don’t tell tell your parents/boss/the Queen that they look fit.
Just an excuse to have a photo of Emilia Clarke here. Sigh.
Lush: very attractive
A view can be lush. So can a person. A view can’t be fit, though. That’d be weird.
Bollocks: testes
Pissed off: angry
Pissed: drunk
Twatted: drunk
Arseholed: …drunk
Wank: to masturbate, or can be used as an adjective to mean something is crap, or naff.
Naff: crap, almost embarrassingly crap. Especially used when something is very uncool. The Eurovision song contest is naff, for example. Donald Trump’s hair is naff also.
Wankered: not to be confused with wank, to be wankered means – surprise surprise – to be drunk.
I’m (they are) off my (their) tits: I’m drunk (or on drugs)
Fuming: furious
Chum: pal
Nowt (North England only): pronounced to rhyme with ‘about’, it means ‘nothing’. Used only in spoken conversation. Example:
“What are you doing later?”
“Nowt, shall we do something?”
Owt (North England only): anything – the opposite of nowt.
Div: idiot
That concludes today’s lesson, you pack of divs. Now I’m proper bored of spending all day doing nowt and it’s doing my head in, so I’m off to get off my tits. Ta ta, now!
Cuba Day 8 – Cienfuckingfeugos
Day 8 of my Cuba diary. The misadventures of Trinidad are in the past, my oafish drunkenness is behind me. Things were looking up. Oh, hang on. That’s not true at all. Tits.
Enjoy!
Cuba Day 5 – Dead Revolutionaries and Transvestites
The fifth day of my Cuban adventure, and things are going awry pretty quickly. At this point I was already sun burnt to hell, running out of money, and halfway across the country with no plan of where I was heading. And it gets worse. Oooh, so much worse. Enjoy!
Waitomo
Waitomo is a little village on the North Island of New Zealand. I don’t think anybody who’s been there would disagree with me when I say that, above ground, the village doesn’t have much going for it. Nah, all the fun is to be had about 30 metres beneath the surface. Waitomo Caves are an extensive tangle of tunnels and caverns and rivers that are jumbled and ragged like the London Underground’s Neanderthal ancestor.