The Berlin Diaries

I moved to Berlin on the 4th of October, 2016. Here’s more or less everything that’s happened since. Ups, downs and the rest. It’s been bleak, it’s been joyous, it’s been crushing, hilarious, bizarre and fantastic, often all in the same day, and I’ve written every moment of this madness down for you.


The Berlin Diaries – 4th October

“I’ve moved to Berlin. Months of planning and failed saving have led to this. Yesterday I said goodbye to loved ones and flew out of the UK .”

The Berlin Diaries – 5th October

“I still haven’t been hit with the full understanding that I’ve left my home country and am now jobless and homeless in a country whose language I don’t speak.”

The Berlin Diaries – 9th October

“So here’s everything that happened on my first night out in Berlin. It got weird.”

Berlin Diaries – 9th October Part 2

“After four nights of crashing at a friends house, my hostel life began in Berlin.”

The Berlin Diaries – 10th October

“I met some lesbians from Texas and hung around on street corners at 5am talking about racism and literature.”

The Berlin Diaries – 11th October

“So I accidentally smoked hash in a park.”

The Berlin Diaries – 12th October

“What a night. I’ll never forget it.”

The Berlin Diaries – 13th October

“Imagine the worst dive bar you’ve ever been to. Imagine the most intimidating gutter bar you’ve ever been inside. Now give up, because you’re nowhere near.”

The Berlin Diaries – 14th October

“Friday night in Berlin, and I watched an American play the violin on a rooftop, got cracked in the face with a wooden door, and went to a cafe called Bastard.”

The Berlin Diaries – 15th October

“After nearly 48 hours with no sleep, I tried to get into Berghain at 7am on a Sunday morning. Ah, Berlin weekends.”

The Berlin Diaries – 16th October

“On Sunday in Berlin I saw a Hitler themed light show, met a Syrian guy called Jean and a Danish girl called Dogg.”

The Berlin Diaries – Three Weeks In

“The most fiery romances bloom in the shadow of an hourglass.”

The Berlin Diaries – The Magical Lost Clown Forest

“I got lost in a forest and found a sad clown. I am not shitting you.”

The Berlin Diaries – Virtual Reality Orgy

“I went to a virtual reality orgy. By accident.”

The Berlin Diaries – Eye Contact Forever

“I went to an ‘eye contact’ event and stared into a girl’s eyes for a solid forty minutes. It was weird.”

The Berlin Diaries – Neverland

“Sunday’s in Berlin are all about Mauerpark – the huge flea market, the live music, the mulled wine, and the karaoke!”

The Berlin Diaries – Welcome to Paradise

“I’ve been living in Berlin for a month. Here’s a few observations about the mad city.”

The Berlin Diaries – A Refreshing Spot of Grime

“After a month of Berlin techno, I went to a DJ set by Mike Skinner, and my god it was good to hear some grime.”

The Berlin Diaries – The Sweat of Slaves

“It was Friday night, and my phone was buzzing like a rampant rabbit on meth.”

The Berlin Diaries – A Jolly Good Battering

“Jamie T turned to his bandmates and winked. Silence… Tension… Oh god, this was going to be a riot.”

The Berlin Diaries – The Poets

“It felt like walking onto the set of a sitcom as a new guy – you just shuffle into Joey’s flat and sit between Ross and Rachel.”

The Berlin Diaries – Brunch

“Imagine saying that sentence with a straight face. Nobody should ever have to ask anybody ‘are you having a shit’. But here I was.”

The Berlin Diaries – All The Usual Debauchery

“We all discussed whether or not to head to Pornceptual. Pornceptual is a club night that occurs four times a year, and it’s everything you’d imagine.”

The Berlin Diaries – Death or Glory

“Shhh… whisper… don’t say it too loudly… but there is a *glimmer* of hope… that I might be able to stay in Berlin…”

The Berlin Diaries – When The Devil Drives

“For the next two weeks in Berlin I have €9 to live off. Bring it on.”

The Berlin Diaries – Prostitutes and Orangutans

“I saw some prostitutes and I saw some orangutans. But where they partying together or not? You’ll have to read to find out, won’t you!”

The Berlin Diaries – HOLY SHIT



“Good day everyone, today’s diary entry comes in the form of a militarised report, for absolutely no reason.”

The Berlin Diaries – Thanksgiving

“I went to my first ever Thanksgiving dinner and got called a cunt!”

The Berlin Diaries – Kev, The Furious Poet

“Several minutes into his poem, Kev stopped mid-sentence, put his mic back on its stand and stormed off the stage, yelling obscenities at the crowd for their insolence.”

The Berlin Diaries – Liquidrom and The Spring Loaded Dildos

“Wow, what a great title for an article! Doesn’t it just make you wonder what the devil I’ve been up to in Berlin this week?!”

The Berlin Diaries – Gonzo

“I did loads of drugs and had a MASSIVE REVELATION.”

The Berlin Diaries – Homecoming

“Berlin is a special point in time and space, and it just might be the greatest city on Earth.”

An Assortment of Photographs Representative of My Time and Travels in That Most Magnificent of Cities, Berlin


The Berlin Diaries – New Year’s Eve

“Went to Berlin for NYE, nearly got blown up a hundred times, the usual.”

The Berlin Diaries – The Mystical Pool of Neukölln

“And lo, with his clever tongue and trustworthy demeanour, our hero Dave managed to trick the foolish Pool Guardian.”

The Berlin Diaries – Everything’s Coming Up Millhouse

“I don’t know what it is, but I feel very, very happy.”

The Berlin Diaries – The Wizard’s Lair

“Oh my god, my noble quest is… finally… finally… finished.”

The Berlin Diaries – Crippling Shyness and Accidental Flashing

“My fly snapped open, okay? It happens to everyone. Honestly.”

The Berlin Diaries – Heideglühen

“This wasn’t just a party, it was a celebration. Jubilant music and people everywhere, people in floral shirts and top hats and bare chested fur coats, people who were out of their fucking minds.”

The Berlin Diaries – Gonzo Part II

“As a warning to the reader, I would like to bastardise the title of the Oscar winning Daniel Day Lewis film: There Will Be Drugs.”

The Berlin Diaries -The Bärenquell Guardian

“I’m stood at the bottom of a rickety ladder shout-whispering until I’m blue in the face as Maya weeps in terror above me.”

The Berlin Diaries – I Went To Shangri La and Got My Dick Out

“I stood there naked and looked around the room. The first thing that crossed my mind was ‘how odd, nobody is staring at my cock’.”

The Berlin Diaries – Disenchantment at the Brandenburg Gate

“Since I returned to Berlin after Christmas, things have been different. It all start with the protests last weekend.”

The Berlin Diaries – Devil’s Mountain, Part 1

“In which my girlfriend and I took psychedelic drugs, went to an abandoned Cold War spying station, and met the Devil.”

The Berlin Diaries – Devil’s Mountain, Part 2

‘Above us, towering and wreathed in shadow, was the Devil himself.’

The Berlin Diaries – International Women’s Day

“Twelve storeys above, a gang of black-clad figures had taken to the roof, and unfurled a huge banner that fell cascading down the side of the building”

The Berlin Diaries – Just A Haiku

“Here’s a little poem for you.”

The Berlin Diaries – Flow

“Nights in Berlin have a special kind of magic – a flow.”

The Berlin Diaries – Birthday With My Weird Family

“The kind of birthday that only Berlin can deliver.”

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