Today I Am Angry About: Brexit (Again)


Here is my nuanced and articulate take on the process of Britain leaving the European Union:

It’s a fucking shit idea and we shouldn’t do it because it is blindingly obvious that it is going to ruin our entire country. And now, after one year of laughable ‘negotiations’ consisting entirely of various European politicians telling us repeatedly to fuck off, we are going to get our collective arse handed to us, adorned with fresh pink spank marks. BUT WHAT CAN WE DO?

Don’t worry, I’ve got this.

ASIDE: I hate the rhetoric around Brexit. The words themselves are so lame. Words like ‘treachery’ are being thrown about now as, led by boisterous town drunk Nigel Farage, we merrily cartwheel back in the halcyon days of yore, the golden days of the British Empire when things were simple and we were proud and there weren’t so many scary brown people and the Greatest Generation fought the… the Nazis… who wanted everyone to be…white… and… to build… an empire… the same Nazis that Farage not-so-secretly quite likes… wait, what is going on here? I’m confused? What is happening Nigel? What do you actually want?

ALRIGHT ANYWAY HERE, I’VE SOLVED BREXIT. We don’t have to do the Brexit; no longer do we have to, in the name of infallible British pride,  hunker down before the world to grimace and squirm and do a Big Massive Shit (I am making a metaphor here for Brexit, comparing it to a large human shit; it only now has occurred to me that I could have, were I a more talented writer, riffed on the term ‘Brexit’ and perhaps called it ‘Brexshit’, but it has probably already been done, and so I relent). Listen closely alright, this shit is lit.


‘Democracy’ is the process of taking a vote and going with the majority – that’s a given. Fine, lovely. The majority voted for Brexit. Sure, okay, nice. However, the majority voted for Brexit under a media barrage of false information, such as the ‘350 million a week for the NHS’ debacle – now accepted as a bare-faced lie (though somehow nobody apologised or got sacked or, like, put in jail for treason, which is defined in the dictionary as ‘the act of betraying one’s country’, which seems rather applicable here, doesn’t it, lying to every single person in your country to serve your own agenda?).

Therefore, as the vote was won by a reasonably narrow margin, and as the masses were fed proven lies, it seems reasonable to entertain the idea that the public’s opinion may have changed – especially over the past year, during which we have seen the Conservatives make the most monumental balls-up of just everything.

Democracy-fanboys will rage at this, saying things like ‘YES THERE WAS MISUNDERSTANDING, BUT IT IS DONE, YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIKE IT, BUT THAT IS DEMOCRACY’. Interesting, interesting. To me this is like hopping in the barber’s chair, asking for a slight trim, whereupon then they begin to scalp you instead but you’re like ‘oh, well I thought I was getting a trim, but to be fair to them, I did ask for my hair off, and anyway it’s too late to turn back now.’ Democracy only works when the population is accurately informed, and in the Brexit campaign they, quite categorically, were not.

So, here is a better version of democracy. Ready?

The government sets up a simple website, the address of which is made known through every paper and television channel. Fucking, or whatever. This website consists of a single statement: I would vote differently if there were a second referendum. Any members of the public in agreement submit their information (steps taken to prevent fraud etc). Then, if the number of signatures totals over one million – the amount by which Leave won – there are legitimate grounds for a second vote.

This is not anti-democratic; far from it, it is uber-democratic. It is democracy on fucking steroids. We have made a very important decision and before we reach the point of no return in that decision, we are double checking that we, as a nation, have not changed our minds. This is such an advanced form of democracy that it warrants a new name. Danocracy. Yeah, Danocracy. That’s fucking right.

Then we redo the vote with a new, simple law in place: any political character found willingly and knowingly lying to the public in order to serve their own agenda will be charged with Fucking Hell Mega Treason and trebucheted nude from Tower Bridge, twirling, twirling, twirling down into the cold grey waters of the Thames 🙂

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