Tonight, On Hackett News

“Good evening, and welcome to Hackett News. I’m your host, Wilkie Poots.”

“With me tonight is our resident Dan Analyst, or Danalyst, Sandra Gurtle. Good evening, Sandra.”

“Good evening, Wilkie.”

“Tell me Sandra, how is Dan faring this week?”

“Oh, he’s all over the place like a nutter.”

“Thank you Sandra. Now for Local News, we’ll head over to Hugo Whip, our correspondent in the field. How are things down there, Hugo?”

“Good evening, Wilkie. Things are going well for Dan locally, at the moment. He’s still in Leeds, awaiting the beginning of his next big trip, and he’s getting in a lot of family time. In particular he’s enjoying seeing his little sister, Katie, who is now six years old.”

“Oh, they grow up so fast Hugo.”

“Indeed they do. A recent highlight of Dan’s time with Katie involved reading her a bedtime story, which Dan had never done before. The story in question was Green Eggs and Ham, by Doctor Seuss. Dan was timid at the outset, but by page fifteen, found himself reading the book with all the lunatic gusto of somebody trying shrooms for the first time. He’s seeing his little sister again in Harrogate this evening, and anticipates a busy evening of being fed imaginary soup and combing the manes of plastic ponies. Hugo Whip, Hackett News, Yorkshire.”

“Great news from Hugo Whip there. Now it’s time for international news, and we’ll be heading over to Portugal with our foreign correspondent, Nigel Plunge. Are you there Nigel?”

“Hello Wilkie, yes, I’m here now just outside Lisbon, where Dan’s friends from Australia, Seth and Ben, are soon to meet up for a reunion. Why? To swap stories, drink wine, explore, and go skydiving together.”

“And am I correct in assuming Dan will be joining his old friends in this endeavour, Nigel?”

“Unfortunately, despite enthusiastic planning, it looks as though Dan will not make it in time, Wilkie. Due to severe delays at the post office, Dan’s renewed passport could take up to a further six weeks to arrive. This, of course, would shag his carefully laid plans right into the ground. Will it happen? Only the postman knows. Nigel Plunge, Lisbon.”

“Blimey. Sad news from Nigel Plunge. Perhaps our mental health reporter, Abigail Fluff, can shed some light on how Dan’s handling this blow. Abi, how’s it going over there?”

“CUNT.”

“Thank you, Abi. And now for the sport, with June Beelzebub.”

“Hello Wilkie, I’m June Beelzebub, and this is sport. The eternal struggle rages on between Dan’s desire for washboard abs and his love of eating shit and binge drinking. At present, he’s toting a low-key gunt, but only in the evenings. When he wakes in the morning his stomach is flat and lovely with some nice toning, but after consuming so much as a bean, he bloats like a cave troll and wishes he was dead. It’s going to take a lot of pluck to get where he wants to be for the summer, but the one upside of the passport delay is that now he has ample time to get fucking jacked. June Beelzebub, Hackett News, outside.”

“Thank you June, and I’d like to take this moment to apologise profusely for all the swearing in that segment, and also the two segments before it. We all forgot not to do it. Now, next up we have Marco Perineum, with food news. Over to you, Marco.”

“Thanks, Wilkie. Today in food news: Dan is still trying to be vegetarian. Despite repeated announcements that he has sworn off meat for good, Dan is still finding himself in situations where he is either too drunk or too guilt-ridden to turn it down. If somebody cooks meat for him, he eats it quietly rather than turn it down and make them feel bad.”

“Good lord, Marco. If he’s eating meat, then in what sense is he a vegetarian at all?”

“In the sense that he keeps saying he wants to be vegetarian.”

“I see. Thank you, Marco. Now we go over to––”

“Hey, I didn’t finish my news yet.”

“Oh. Sorry. Go on.”

“I just wanted to say that Dan also went to the doctor recently and found out his cholesterol is almost normal now. His veins are no longer at risk of exploding. Will this new low-cholesterol health survive his upcoming Europe trip, however? It remains to be seen. Marco Perineum, Hackett News, the kitchen.”

“Thank you, Marco. In our penultimate segment, we go to our fashion reporter, Avery Knob. Tell me Avery: wah gwaan?”

“Good evening Wilkie. Today in fashion news our top story: Dan is trying to grow his hair out. He claims the bold follicle move is in rebellion against his time spent in London, during which he strived to fit in and look as good as everybody else. Despite his hair increasingly resembling a dirty mushroom, Dan says it makes him happy to see his curls grow wild and free – if somewhat thin.”

“And what about clothes, Avery?”

“Yes, he still wears them.”

“Excellent. And now, Rodney Pints with the weather.”

“Hello Wilkie, I’m Rodney Pints, and this is the weather. As ever, the weather around Dan remains unpredictable, with storm clouds often followed by magnificent blue skies, and vice versa. Sometimes there is a lovely nice afternoon, and other times there is an absolute dick-full of hail. Dress in layers, wear suncream, bring a brolly, and hang in there, because it’s always blue skies above the clouds anyway. Rodney Pints, Hackett News, the sky.”

“Thank you, Rodney. And that concludes today’s Hackett News. Join us next time, by which point Dan will hopefully have received his passport and booked flights to visit his dear old friends. Until then, be good. Wilkie Poots, Hackett News, Yorkshire. Goodnight.”

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