I wasn’t sure whether to post this. It’s a bit of a downer. Fuck it, let’s be brave. There’s nothing to fear from difficult conversation.
I’m not serious very often. I’ve lost a lot recently, though, and I suppose it just helps to articulate it, rather than trying to make sense of a jumble of vague notions floating around my head.
There’s a big flaw in my character, which is also my greatest asset. The desire for something new, something better, for discovery and adventure that is so entwined in every aspect of my personality is, and always has been, one of my most cherished traits. However, it’s also the most destructive. Through constant restlessness, and constant longing for more, I’ve hurt too many people.
The same force that drives and impassions me to experience every joy the world has to offer, often leads to conflicting interests, and my lack of commitment to any one person, job or place means that, while constantly seeking more, on occasion, I end up with much less. I’m forever hopping over the fence, just on the off chance the grass might be greener, only to find it brittle and sparse, and the wall is too high to jump back over.
Recently, I’ve learned a lot about myself. Mostly bad stuff. I can be impulsive, cold, selfish and hypocritical, and all of these traits are the other side of the coin that make me enthusiastic, adventurous and passionate. It might be that this is a trait shared by many people my own age, the crippling fear of commitment, not just to people, but to a lifestyle, and the fear of making truly impactful, lasting choices. I don’t want any doors to close to me, and in struggling to keep them all open at once, inevitably, there’s pain, both for myself and, more importantly, for others.
I think it’s a good thing to want more from life, and to greet the world every day with passion and determination. Working towards a long-nurtured goal provides an unparalleled sense of motivation and purpose, and is incredibly powerful in developing a healthy mentality towards life. However, where I’ve been going wrong is in my blindness to what’s already in front of me.
I don’t know if I’m in any position to give advice after the last few paragraphs, but if I could tell anything to my past self, and to anyone reading this in a similar position, it would be to slow it down. Look after the people around you. It’s important to remember that the most profoundly human response to seeing a beautiful view is the immediate longing for someone to share it with. Don’t stop, keep moving forward, keep looking for a better tomorrow, but don’t let dreams of tomorrow spoil the reality of today.
Be Chicken Joe.