In Which I Regain My Composure

When I awoke it was mid-afternoon and my skin was hot and my mouth was dry. With a groan I tried to move, but something held me in place. I glanced down at my body and found myself quite naked, roped to the mast.

“Ugh.”

I always wake up naked after I black out. I’ve no idea at which point in my bloodlust-filled rampages I decide it’s a good idea to strip down to my skivvies (and then out of them), but it seems to be a running theme. Almost every siege I’ve commanded has ended with my swinging bollock naked from the castle’s chandeliers with a knife in my teeth. My soldiers have come to expect it, and mostly leave me to my own devices.

A fly landed on my nose. I tried to blow it off, but it crawled up inside my nostril; Selladore found me cross-eyed and screaming. He kept his distance.

“Are ye alright, laddie?” he asked.

A gigantic honk of my schnoz sent the fly hurtling out across the deck. With my nose free from intruders, I regained my composure and regarded the captain. He was ashen and bloody, his whole body ravaged with deep cuts and shrapnel wounds, and his red eyeshadow was smeared across his face. The boa was still pristine, slung over one shoulder. I noted Glob and Edgar behind him, sitting together in exhaustion, equally battered. I felt proud of them.

“Aye, Selladore, I have calmed myself. I… apologise for the bloodshed I did inflict before thee.”

“I’ve never seen anyone fight like that, ya devil! Are ye sure ya don’t fancy staying aboard a while? I could use a first mate like you. Together we could be the scourge of the sands.”

“I thank thee, Captain, but I must decline. My darling Astra needs me, and I am for her as long as I draw breath. Prithee, untie me. Mine bloodlust is sated.”

With only the briefest moment of apprehension, Selladore untied me and handed me my blood-drenched clothes, which he informed me had been found in a heap in the crow’s nest, somehow. I crossed the deck to check on Glob and Edgar, then glanced around the ship. This was not One Ball; the sails were black, the deck was larger, and there were not burning corpses everywhere. I supposed Selladore had commandeered one of the ships from those ugly twins I decapitated earlier.

The ship was thundering across the sands; we would be at the mines in no time. I leant over the railing and glanced behind us, and small on the horizon I saw our old ship, wrecked, engulfed in flame. The charred mast of One Ball twisted and cracked as I watched, and fell with an enormous weight, smashing through the deck to the lower floors.

Then, before my very eyes, the sand around the ships began to swirl; the dunes shifted and throbbed like mercury. Then, from beneath the sands, a writhing cluster of thick, red tentacles burst forth, each one the length of the ship’s mast. The whipping limbs wrapped around the ship, clenching it tightly. Even though we were many miles away, I heard the colossal sound of the hull crunching as it was compressed with unfathomable force. The ship cracked in two, its hull burst apart from the pressure, and the tentacles dragged the remnants beneath the dunes. Not a trace was left, and all was still.

“Beautiful, aye?” said Selladore, by my side.

I didn’t say anything for twenty five seconds, gaping open-mouthed at Selladore.

“What about that was beautiful?”

Selladore stroked his chin, as though he’d never before considered this.

“Nice colours, I suppose.”

If I’d known that was lurking beneath the sands, I’d never have tried galloping across them on the back of a blasted pig. Well – alright, I still would have, because Astra is worth any hardship – but I’d have been a damn sight more cautious. It’s probably better I didn’t know, really. And the more I thought about the thunder bird and the sand pirates and the monstrous desert kraken, the more I questioned what the hell that jangly old woman was thinking when she decided to set up Inebrium in the middle of a savage hell-plain. Probably just chewed a few too many Boogie Tree leaves.

*****

We arrived at the edge of the desert in the late afternoon, just as the sun was doing that thing it does where it goes low and turns everything orange and everyone looks gorgeous. As abruptly as it began, the desert ceased. The sands stopped dead, lapping harmlessly against angular slabs of grey slate. Cracked hills wound away into the distance peppered with vivid pink cherry blossoms, lined up along the hilltops in long enchanting avenues. I stood abreast with Selladore, Glob and Edgar in quiet awe.

“Great Gods… I’ve never strayed this far west before,” breathed Selladore, turning to me. “You know, I’ve been thinking about your quest. True love, romance, adventure and all that, and, if you don’t mind – I’m coming with ye.”

I had been feeling forlorn about saying goodbye to the captain, and as he said this my inner voice leapt into the air and squealed with delight. I am a king however, and as such I felt it more appropriate to greet his declaration with a regal nod and a noble smile.

“T’would be a pleasure, Captain,” I replied.

Edgar and Glob, who had equally taken a shine to the captain, cheered at this news. Edgar even attempted a joyous celebratory cartwheel which obviously went horribly.

“Aye,” said Selladore. “And besides, you saved this buccaneer’s rotten-hearted life from those thrice-damned Gristle Twins. I do believe I’m indebted to ye, King.”

He turned to his crew – those who hadn’t been sliced to ribbons earlier that afternoon – and gave command over to his first mate, a fearsome looking woman with stormy black hair and an ornately carved peg arm.

“Be good to her for me, Rosa. I’ve some landlubbin’ to do for a spell. I’ll find you again when the time is right.”

I found myself grinning like an idiot to hear the word ‘landlubbing’ used in earnest. Or used at all, to be honest. God I love pirates.

The woman nodded and set out about yelling orders. The plank was extended, but this time I was gently led down it rather than shunted off the end. Our bold trio was restored to a gay quartet once more, and with long avenues of bowing cherry blossoms lining our path to the horizon, we were in the highest of spirits. I rode my chubby sow under the charming pink boughs, and reaffirmed my vow under my breath.

“Astra, my love, I am coming to save thee.”