fiction

The Siege of Pugglemunt Pt 7 (iambic pentameter)

/ Dan Hackett / Leave a comment

Lady Blanket is very tall and she has purple eyes and she’s very serious and she doesn’t laugh at a lot of things except for when I fall over and injure myself. She joined my knights four years ago, when she won the annual jousting tournament at the Harvest Festival (the event of the year, as you well know). It was a joust to remember. Sir Percy’s horse (who is called Ernie) refused to joust because he was tired and grumpy, enabling Lady Blanket to surge full-bonkers down the length of the lists and ping Sir Percy twenty feet through the air. He landed right next to my throne, bless him. I’d have helped him upright but he was already unconscious so I thought it best to let him rest.

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The Siege of Pugglemunt Pt 5 (dungeons!)

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Chapter Two

My great great grandmother, Queen Ethelstar, built the Pugglemunt dungeons. They weren’t built to be dungeons, however — she just wanted somewhere to run around on an evening free from prying eyes, and, much like a woodlouse, dormouse or snail, she was fond of dank, windswept spaces. Don’t ask me why, I never met her — all I have of hers is a little bronze trudgeon she used to whack people with and a tapestry depicting her swinging from the chandelier in her nightie at a banquet (she was a good egg but mad as a hatful of butterflies).

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The Siege of Pugglemunt Pt 4 (musical number)

/ Dan Hackett / Leave a comment

Chapter One

What? Don’t look at me like that. I’m the King, if I want to suddenly introduce chapters, that’s my prerogative and if you disagree then you can just – well, you’re not allowed to disagree so DON’T EVEN BOTHER THINKING ABOUT IT OR I’LL PACK YOU INTO A TREBUCHET AND SLING YOU INTO THE MOUNTAINS. It just makes sense to segment things a bit. Builds a sense of momentum, but at the same time, gives the readers a bit of a rest – a chance to go shuck a turnip or whatever the foisty masses like to do with their spare time. You know my peasants have the attention span of a gnat. Hang on did— did you write that down? No? Promise? Okay, good.

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The Siege of Pugglemunt Pt 2 (turning into more of a novel but whatever)

/ Dan Hackett / Leave a comment

Right, now draw five little stars in a row to show that time has passed. Five– yes, stars. Stars. No that’s too big! What?! Are you out of your mind? When have you ever seen a piece of writing with five gargantuan stars all over it, you buffoon. I said little stars. You have to do them very small in the middle of the– oh for goodness sake give me the quill, I’ll do it.

* * * * * *

Bugger I did six. Alright alright, it’s harder than it looks. Take the damn quill.

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My Book: The Weirdest Passages Thus Far

/ Dan Hackett / 2 Comments

The book’s nearly done. 50,000  words and counting. It should be nicely rounded out and wrapped up by about 60,000 words if nothing goes wrong (which it definitely will). I mostly write from the State Victoria Library, far and away the most magnificent library I have ever come across, and a truly inspiring spot. However, when sitting in the cavernous domed hall, with green reading lands and oak tables and the hallowed quotes of literary greats carved into grand white marble plaques, it feels quite odd to be writing the kind of story I’m working on.

On any given moment, somebody gazing idly over my shoulder as I type may encounter any manner of situations; perhaps macabre, perverse, dizzying, ridiculous, or most often, all four at once. Well now, just for you -because I do so cherish you, you handsome devil you – here you are. Here lieth a collection of some of the most backward, bloated, bombastic and plain fucking bonkers passages I have found myself writing to date. You lucky thing.

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